Male Assertiveness

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist. 

The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home.

He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.

The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife.

Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

"The funeral director," said his wife..

Where Is God..

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous..

They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved..

The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.

The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually..

So the mother sent her 8-year-old in first that morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon..

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly..

"Where is God?"

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide eyed..

So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer..

So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him..

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude.. God is missing - and they think WE did it!!"

English School

Donald MacDonald from Scotland went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there. After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him (no doubt carrying reinforcements of tatties, salt herring, oatmeal and whisky). 

"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.

"Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people.. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop.. The one on the other side screams and screams all night.."

"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbors?"

"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly.. playing my bagpipes.."

Never Sick

Grandma Jones from the valley had never experienced a sick day in her life, so she didn't take it kindly when a bad case of the mulligrubs sent her to the hospital for observation.

By the time a pair of husky interns got Grandma tucked into bed, she had managed to complain about everything: the temperature, the lights, the skimpy gown, the food and the mattress, especially, the mattress.

Suddenly, Grandma spotted a small plastic item with a button, attached to a cord. "What's that?" she demanded.

"If you need anything in the middle of the night, Grandma," said one of the interns, "just press that button."

"What does it do, ring a bell?" she asked.

"No, it turns on a light in the hall for the nurse on duty.." the intern replied.

"A light in the hall?" responded Grandma..

"Look, I'm the sick one around here.. If the night nurse needs a light on in the hall, she can get up and switch it on herself.."

Anger versus Exasperation

A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked, "Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?"

The father replied, "It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean."

With that the father went to the telephone and dialed a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said, "Hello, is Melvin there?"

The man answered, "There is no one living here named Melvin. Why don't you learn to look up numbers before you dial".

"See," said the father to his daughter. "That man was not a bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with something and we annoyed him. Now watch...."

The father dialed the number again. "Hello, is Melvin there?" asked the father.

"Now look here!" came the heated reply. "You just called this number and I told you that there is no Melvin here! You've got lot of guts calling again!" The receiver slammed down hard.

The father turned to his daughter and said, "You see, that was anger. Now I'll show you what exasperation means."

He dialed the same number, and when a violent voice roared, "Hello!"

The father calmly said, "Hello, this is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?"

Just Can't Win

"I see you were last employed by a psychiatrist,"

said the employer to the applicant.. "Why did you leave?" 

"Well," she replied..

"I just couldn't win...

If I was late to work., I was hostile..

If I was early., I had an anxiety complex..

If I was on time., I was compulsive..."

Cowboy Rides Into Town..

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on newcomers. When he finished, he found his horse had been stolen.

He comes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling.. "Who stole my horse?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.!

"I'm gonna have another beer and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I'm finished., I'm gonna do what I done back in Texas and I don't want to have to do what I done back in Texas.!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly.

He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town.

The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, what happened in Texas.?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home!!"

LAWS OF REVERSITY..

Crazy and untold laws, The LAWS OF REVERSITY..

LAW OF QUEUE:
"If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.."

LAW OF TELEPHONE:
"When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.."

LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR:
"After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.."

LAW OF THE WORKSHOP:
"Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.."

LAW OF THE ALIBI:
"If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.."

BATH THEOREM:
"When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.."

LAW OF ENCOUNTERS:
"The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you do not want to be seen with.."

LAW OF THE RESULT:
"When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will!!"

LAW OF BIO MECHANICS:
"The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.."

LAW OF COFFEE:
"As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.."

Computer Error..

An oldie but goodie...

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Bob the computer guy, to come over. Bob clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.

As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?" He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T error? What's that, in case I need to fix it again?"

The computer guy grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote out.... I D 1 0 T

I used to like Bob..!!

Frying Eggs

The wife was busy frying eggs, when her husband came home. He walked into the kitchen and immediately started yelling...

"CAREFUL!!! CAREFUL!!! MORE OIL!!! TURN THEM!!! TURN THEM NOW!!! WE NEED MORE OIL!!! THEY ARE GOING TO STICK!!! CAREFUL!!! CAREFUL!!! TURN THEM!!! TURN THEM!!! HURRY UP!!! ARE YOU CRAZY!!!! THE OIL IS GOING TO SPILL!!! USE MORE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!!"
The wife was very upset, "What the hell is wrong with you? Why are you yelling like this? Do you think I don't know how to fry an egg?"

The husband calmly replied, "This is to show you what it feels like for me when I am driving and you sit next to me..."

Noise Abatement

"Flight 1234," the control tower advised,
"Turn right 45 degrees for noise abatement.."

"Roger," the pilot responded, "But we're at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

"Sir," the radar man replied,

"Have you ever heard the noise a 727 makes when it hits a 747?"

Tough Exam

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics..
The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board:

"Using everything we have learned this semester., prove that this chair does not exist.."

Fingers flew..

Erasers erased..

Notebooks were filled in furious fashion..

Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair..

One member of the class however., was up and finished in less than a minute..

Weeks later when the grades were posted.,

the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all..

His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"

Repairs

When a guy's printing on his printer began to grow faint, he called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned..

Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job himself..

Pleasantly surprised by his candor., he asked., "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"

"Actually, it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly.. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first.."

GoaLs.. Dreamzz..

Goals. You know you have them. Everyone has areas in his or her life that they would like to change. Whether your goals are written neatly in bound journals or just drifting around in your head, you can achieve those goals. Just how, though, can you make them a reality? 1. If you haven't done it yet, get those goals down on paper. Try to write them in a way that is measurable and objective. This means that you will have proof positive when they have been met. Nebulous subjective wording, like "I hope to be a better person," doesn't work for a goal. What exactly do you mean? "I will visit lonely old people once a month this year," is a better goal. At the end of the year, you can say, "Did I do it?" and have a definite answer. 2. Keep the written goals before you often. I like to have my New Year's resolutions written on the inside back cover of my journal and refer to them often. Maybe you'd like to post your goals on a bulletin board or your bathroom mirror. Read over them occasionally. Otherwise you might forget what you had planned to accomplish. 3. Break the goal down into manageable bites. Big goals can't be achieved in a day. You must figure out the most logical first step you can take today. 4. Make daily "to do" lists that include items that will bring the goal closer to reality. If the goal is to lose weight, today's list might include "take a 30 minute walk" and "buy salad greens." 5. Related to the above admonition is this one - start today. Procrastination is the biggest killer of goals known to man. 6. Keep track. It may seem childish, but keeping a chart and giving yourself stickers can be a great motivator. Put a star on the calendar on each day that you call five potential customers or practice your visualization techniques. Whatever the stepping stones are toward your goal, a chart will make it seem more tangible, and you can actually see the progress you're making. 7. Reward yourself for little victories along the way. If you made it through two days without a cigarette, for example, celebrate with a new CD or free time with a good magazine. 8. Don't be so hard on yourself when you fail that you give up all together. In fact, just simply refuse to give up! If the goal is worth achieving, it's worth persevering. Little failures always litter the way to success. Failures and defeats teach you. They are essential to ultimate victory. 9. Believe in yourself, your potential, your dreams, and your goals. It's close to the end of the list because it is so important! Without a positive belief that you can achieve your goals, you probably won't ever see them come to pass. 10. Finally, take action. Do something. Don't worry that you are doing the wrong first step. If you fail, you at least learned it wasn't the right first step! Learn and keep going.