Male Assertiveness

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist. 

The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home.

He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.

The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife.

Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

"The funeral director," said his wife..

Where Is God..

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous..

They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved..

The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.

The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually..

So the mother sent her 8-year-old in first that morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon..

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly..

"Where is God?"

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide eyed..

So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer..

So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him..

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude.. God is missing - and they think WE did it!!"

English School

Donald MacDonald from Scotland went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there. After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him (no doubt carrying reinforcements of tatties, salt herring, oatmeal and whisky). 

"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.

"Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people.. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop.. The one on the other side screams and screams all night.."

"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbors?"

"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly.. playing my bagpipes.."

Never Sick

Grandma Jones from the valley had never experienced a sick day in her life, so she didn't take it kindly when a bad case of the mulligrubs sent her to the hospital for observation.

By the time a pair of husky interns got Grandma tucked into bed, she had managed to complain about everything: the temperature, the lights, the skimpy gown, the food and the mattress, especially, the mattress.

Suddenly, Grandma spotted a small plastic item with a button, attached to a cord. "What's that?" she demanded.

"If you need anything in the middle of the night, Grandma," said one of the interns, "just press that button."

"What does it do, ring a bell?" she asked.

"No, it turns on a light in the hall for the nurse on duty.." the intern replied.

"A light in the hall?" responded Grandma..

"Look, I'm the sick one around here.. If the night nurse needs a light on in the hall, she can get up and switch it on herself.."

Anger versus Exasperation

A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked, "Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?"

The father replied, "It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean."

With that the father went to the telephone and dialed a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said, "Hello, is Melvin there?"

The man answered, "There is no one living here named Melvin. Why don't you learn to look up numbers before you dial".

"See," said the father to his daughter. "That man was not a bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with something and we annoyed him. Now watch...."

The father dialed the number again. "Hello, is Melvin there?" asked the father.

"Now look here!" came the heated reply. "You just called this number and I told you that there is no Melvin here! You've got lot of guts calling again!" The receiver slammed down hard.

The father turned to his daughter and said, "You see, that was anger. Now I'll show you what exasperation means."

He dialed the same number, and when a violent voice roared, "Hello!"

The father calmly said, "Hello, this is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?"

Just Can't Win

"I see you were last employed by a psychiatrist,"

said the employer to the applicant.. "Why did you leave?" 

"Well," she replied..

"I just couldn't win...

If I was late to work., I was hostile..

If I was early., I had an anxiety complex..

If I was on time., I was compulsive..."