Total Control

A Guy Named Bob Is Traveling By Amtrak With Two Strangers Sitting Close To Him..

He Is Trying To Sleep.. But Those Guys Were Speaking Loudly For A Very Long Time Heavily Criticizing George Bush.. The War In Iraq.. Corruption.. Unemployment.. Etc..

So Bob.. In An Attempt To Force The Guys To Stop Talking And Let Him Sleep.. Tells Them As A Joke.. That There Is A New Total Control System Developed By The Fbi That Spies Upon All Citizens.. And There Are Lots Of Listening Devices Everywhere.. So That Anyone Criticizing The Government Would Be Severely Punished..

This Didn’t Have Any Effect On Those Guys.. Moreover They Just Laughed At Bob.. And Carried On And On.. Saying Even More Rude Jokes About George Bush And The Government..

Finally.. Close To 3:00 Am.. Bob Goes To The Restroom.. And Runs Into The Train Conductor..

Bob Asks The Conductor To Bring Him Some Water And Sleeping Pills At Exactly 3:00 Am

He Goes Back To His Place And Says Loudly Into The Base Of His Seat.. So That Talkative Guys Could Hear Him:

"If The FBI Director Can Hear Me: Could You Please Bring Me A Glass Of Water And Some Sleeping Pills At 3:00 AM Because There Are Some Idiots Here Who Are Speaking Too Loudly About Some Political Issues And Won’t Let Me Sleep.."

The Guys Continue Talking..

Exactly At 3:00 Am.. The Door Opens And The Conductor Comes Out.. And Gives Bob The Water And Some Sleeping Pills.. The Guys Are Shocked And Finally Stop Talking.. Bob Is Happy And Manages To Fall Asleep..

When He Wakes In The Morning.. The Talkative Guys Are Nowhere To Be Found..

Out Of Curiosity He Asks The Conductor About Them.. (Also Remembering That There Shouldn’t Have Been Any Stops At Night)..

The Conductor Replies That Some People In Black Suits Stopped The Train And Arrested Those Guys..

Bob Is Completely Shocked And Surprised And Asks About Why He Was Not Arrested..

The Conductor Answers That He Doesn’t Have A Clue But One Of The Guys In Black Suits Said That The Director Of The Fbi Liked Bob’s Joke About The Water And Pills..

Remote Control

The clerk asked me.. "Cash.. Check or Charge?" after ringing up my purchase..

As I fumbled through my wallet.. She noticed a remote control for a television set in my purse..

"Do you always carry your TV remote!!" she asked..

"No.." I replied.. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me.. So I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him!!"

Crowded Store

It was the day of the big sale.. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30.. the store's opening time.. in front of the store..

A small man pushed his way to the front of the line.. only to be pushed back.. amid loud and colorful curses..

On the man's second attempt.. he was punched square in the jaw.. and knocked around a bit.. and then thrown to the end of the line again..

As he got up the second time.. he said to the person at the end of the line..

"That does it!! If they hit me one more time.. I won't open the store!!"

New Accountant: Worrying for..

Fresh out of business school.. the young man answered a want ad for an accountant.. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself..

"I need someone with an accounting degree.." the man said.. "But mainly.. I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me.."

"Excuse me??" the accountant said..

"I worry about a lot of things.." the man said.. "But I don't want to have to worry about money.. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back.."

"I see.." the accountant said.. "And how much does the job pay??"

"I'll start you at eighty thousand.."

"Eighty thousand dollars!!" the accountant exclaimed.. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that??"

"That.." the owner said.. "is your first worry.."

The Bum

A man was walking in the city.. when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner..

The man took out his wallet.. extracted two dollars and asked.. "If I gave you this money.. will you take it and buy whiskey?"

"No.. I stopped drinking years ago.." the bum said..

"Will you use it to gamble?"

"I don't gamble.. I need everything I can get just to stay alive.."

"Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?"

"Are you NUTS!! I haven't played golf in 20 years!!"

The man said.. "Well.. I'm not going to give you two dollars.. Instead.. I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.."

The bum was astounded.. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty.. and I probably smell pretty bad.."

The man replied.. "That's OK.. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up drinking.. gambling.. and golf.."

ReLations

ఎప్పుడు ఏ ఇద్దరు కలుస్తారొ తెలియదు.. భగవంతుదు ఎవర్ని ఎవరితో కలుపుతాడో.. అంతకంటె తెలియదు.. ఇద్దరు వ్యక్తుల మద్య పరిచయం.. అభిమానం.. ఆరాదన.. ప్రేమ.. మోహం.. సాంగత్యం.. ఎందుకు ఏర్పడతాయో ఆ భగవంతుడికే తెలియాలి. కానీ ప్రతిచర్య, సంఘటన, కలయిక, ప్రేమకు భగవంతుడి ధ్రుష్టిలొ ఎదో ఒక ప్రయోజనం ఉండి తీరుతుంది.. ఒక వ్యక్తిని చూస్తె ఆ వ్యక్తి కొసం ఏదైనా చేయాలనిపిస్తుంది.. మరొకర్ని చుస్తె లొభిగా ఉండాలనిపిస్తుంది.. ఆ వ్యక్తి ఆడ, మగ ఎవరైన కవొచ్చు. ఇలాంటి అనుబంధాలన్నీ ఆ వ్యక్తి ప్రేరణకు అతీతంగానే జరుగుతాయి.. ఇద్దరు వ్యక్తుల మధ్య వారి ప్రమేయం లేకుండానే, అంతర్లీనంగా, అంతర్వాహినిగా ప్రెమ ప్రవహిస్తు ఉంటుంది.. అది ఆ ఇద్దరి అత్మలకే తెలుసు.. దాన్నెవరూ ఆపలెరు. అది సామాజికంగా, సంఘపరంగా నిషెధించబదినదే కావచ్చు.. ఈ ప్రపంచాన్ని ప్రేమ మాత్రమే ముందుకి నడిపించగలదు.. మానవ మనుగడకు అదె పునాది.. అదె అక్సిజెన్.. ప్రేమ ఎప్పుడు, ఎవరి మీద, ఎందుకు పుడుతుందొ తెలిసినవాడు భగవంతుడొక్కడే..

Crowded Store

It was the day of the big sale.. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30.. the store's opening time.. in front of the store..

A small man pushed his way to the front of the line.. only to be pushed back.. amid loud and colorful curses..

On the man's second attempt.. he was punched square in the jaw.. and knocked around a bit.. and then thrown to the end of the line again..

As he got up the second time.. he said to the person at the end of the line..

"That does it! If they hit me one more time.. I won't open the store!!"

Dining Room Skylight..

Joan.. Who Was A Rather Well-proportioned Secretary.. Spent Almost All Of Her Vacation Sunbathing On The Roof Of Her Hotel.. She Wore A Bathing Suit The First Day.. But On The Second.. She Decided That No One Could See Her Way Up There.. And She Slipped Out Of It For An Overall Tan..

She'd Hardly Begun When She Heard Someone Running Up The Stairs.. She Was Lying On Her Stomach.. So She Just Pulled A Towel Over Her Rear..

"Excuse Me.. Miss.." Said The Flustered Assistant Manager Of The Hotel.. Out Of Breath From Running Up The Stairs.. "The Hilton Doesn't Mind Your Sunbathing On The Roof.. But We Would Very Much Appreciate Your Wearing A Bathing Suit As You Did Yesterday.."

"What Difference Does It Make?" Joan Asked Rather Calmly.. "No One Can See Me Up Here.. And Besides.. I'm Covered With A Towel.."

"Not Exactly.." Said The Embarrassed Man.. "You're Lying On The Dining Room Skylight.."

Cooking Woes

Becky Prepared A Pasta Dish For A Dinner Party She Was Giving.. In Her Haste.. However.. She Forgot To Refrigerate The Spaghetti Sauce.. And It Sat On The Counter All Day.. She Was Worried About Spoilage.. But It Was Too Late To Cook Up Another Batch..

She Called The Local Poison Control Center And Voiced Her Concern.. They Advised Becky To Boil The Sauce Again..

That Night.. The Phone Rang During Dinner.. And One Of The Guests Volunteered To Answer It..

Becky's Face Dropped As The Guest Called Out..

"It's The Poison Control Center.. They Want To Know How The Spaghetti Sauce Turned Out.."

Slow Down

One Day A Policeman Stopped A Motorist Who Had Just Gone Through A Four Way Stop Sign And Was About To Give Him A Ticket When The Motorist Said.. "Officer You Can't Give Me A Ticket For That!'

"Why Not" Said The Officer..

"Because Although I Did Not Stop I Slowed Right Down And Its Almost The Same.."

"But You Did Not Stop" Replied The Officer.. "And The Sign Says Stop.."

"But The Way Was Clear And It Was Safe" Replied The Motorist..

The Officer Then Pulls Out His Batton And Starts Hitting The Motorist..

"What Are You Doing!!" Yells The Motorist In Surprise..

"Do You Want Me To Slow Down Or Stop?" Says The Officer..

Drunk Man Ordering Beer

A man walks into the front door of a bar.. He is obviously drunk.. he staggers up to the bar.. seats himself on a stool.. and with a belch.. asks the bartender for a drink..

The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink.. He could not be served additional liquor at this bar but could get a cab called for him..

The drunk is briefly surprised then softly scoffs.. grumbles.. climbs down off the bar stool.. and staggers out the front door..

A few minutes later.. the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar.. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink.. The bartender comes over.. and still politely--but more firmly refuses service to the man due to his inebriation.. Again.. the bartender offers to call a cab for him..

The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily.. curses.. and shows himself out the side door.. all the while grumbling and shaking his head..

A few minutes later.. the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar.. He plops himself up on a bar stool.. gathers his wits.. and belligerently orders a drink..

The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk.. Will be served no drinks.. and either a cab or the police will be called immediately..

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish.. Cries..

"Oh Man!!  ^&*%#.. How many bars do you work at!!"

Lee Iacocca, 1982!!

It Was The First Day Of School And A New Student.. The Son Of A Japanese Businessman.. Entered The Fourth Grade.. The Teacher Greeted The Class And Said.. "Let's Begin By Reviewing Some American History..

Who Said "Give Me Liberty.. Or Give Me Death?"

She Saw Only A Sea Of Blank Faces.. Except For That Of Toshiba.. Who Had His Hand Up.."

"Patrick Henry.. 1775.." Said The Boy..

 "Now.." Said The Teacher.. "Who Said 'government Of The People.. By The People.. For The People Shall Not Perish From The Earth?'"

Again.. No Response Except From Toshiba: "Abraham Lincoln.. 1863.."

The Teacher Snapped At The Class.. "You Should Be Ashamed.. Toshiba.. Who Is New To Our Country.. Knows More About It Than You Do.."

 As She Turned To Write Something On The Blackboard.. She Heard A Loud Whisper: "Damned Japanese.."

 "Who Said That?" She Demanded..

 Toshiba Put His Hand Up.. "Lee Iacocca.. 1982.." He Said..

Hearing Problems!!

A man told his doctor, "I don't think my wife's hearing is as good as it used to be.. What should I do?"

The doctor replied, "Try this test first.. When your wife is at the sink doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question.. If she doesn't respond, keep moving closer, asking the same question until she hears you.."

He went home and saw his wife preparing dinner..
Standing fifteen feet behind her.. he said.. "What's for dinner, honey??"

Hearing no reply.. he moved up to ten feet behind her and repeated the question..

Still no reply..
So he moved to five feet..
Still no answer..

Finally he stood directly behind her and said, "Honey, what's for dinner tonight?"

"FOR THE FOURTH TIME, I SAID CHICKEN, You'd better get your hearing checked!!"

Banking Error..!!

A true story out of San Francisco......

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch & wrote

"this iz a stikkup.. Put all your muny in this bag.."

While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window.. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo..

After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller..
She read it and surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor.. told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America..

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left..

He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America..

Revenge by Gunshot

A distraught young woman suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her.. In a fit of anger she drives to a local pawn shop and buys a gun..

She shows up at his apartment unexpectedly, slams opens the door, and sure enough he’s naked in the arms of a beautiful redhead..

This angers her..
Furious..
She can no longer control her emotions..
She opens her purse and pulls out the .38 hand gun she bought earlier..
As she takes aim..
Grief overcomes here and she points the gun at her own head..

“No, honey, don’t do it!” yells the boyfriend..

“Shut up,” she says.. “You’re next..”

After Six Years..

A motorist driving by a Texas ranch hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road..

The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened.. He then asked what the animal was worth..

"Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher..

"But in six years it would have been worth $900.. So $900 is what I'm out.."

The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer..

"Here," he said, "is the check for $900.. It is post-dated six years from now.."

Contact Lens: Small Piece of Plastic

The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway.. After a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was nowhere to be found..

Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes, returned with the lens in her hand..

"How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked..

"We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied..

"You were looking for a small piece of plastic.. I was looking for $150.."

Penthouse in Heaven

The Pope dies and goes to heaven.. When he gets there, Saint Peter shows him to his new quarters which turn out to be a tiny one bedroom apartment..

The Pope is horrified and wants to know why he doesn't have the penthouse apartment, which is huge..

Saint Peter informs him that the resident of the penthouse is a lawyer..

"A lawyer?" says the Pope.. "But I'm the Pope, surely I'm more important.."

"With respect Sir," says Saint Peter, "We have lots of Pope's up here, but we only have ONE lawyer!!"

The Widow at the Farmhouse

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.. They loaded up Jack's station-wagon and headed north.. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.. They pulled into a nearby farmhouse and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night..

"I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.."

"Not to worry," Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn.."

Nine months later, Jack got a letter from the widow's attorney.. He called up his friend Bob and said, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?"

"Yes, I do.."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and visit with her?"

"Yes, I have to admit that I did.."

"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turns red and he said, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did.."

"Well, thanks!! She just died and left me everything!!"

"@#$%^"

Clean The Dishes!

Just after the maid had been fired, she took five bucks from her purse and threw it to Fido, the family dog..

When asked why by her former employer, she answered..

"I never forget a friend.. This was for helping me clean the dishes all the time!!"

Bachelor Cooking..

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking.. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking..

"I got a cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do anything with it.."

"Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second..

"You said it.. Every one of the recipes began the same way: Take a clean dish and..."

Cost of Makeover..

A woman named Shirley was from Beverly Hills.. One day, she had a heart attack and was taken to Cedars Sinai hospital.. While on the operating table, she had a near-death experience.. She saw God and asked, "Is this it?"

God said, "No, you have another 30 to 40 years to live.."

Upon her recovery, she decided to stay in the hospital and have collagen shots, cheek implants, a face lift, liposuction and breast augmentation.. She even had someone dye her hair.. She figured since she had another 30 to 40 years, she might as well make the most of it..

She walked out of Cedars Sinai lobby after the last operation and was killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital.. She arrived in front of God and said, "I thought you said I had another 30 to 40 years?"

God replied, "Shirley! I didn't recognize you!!"

What's Two and Two

A bank manager was interviewing four very different applicants from his short list for the position of clerical.. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job..

He asked each applicant the question, 'What is two and two?' The first interviewee was a journalist.. His answer was 'Twenty-two..'

The second applicant was an engineer.. He pulled out a slide rule and showed the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001..

The next person was a lawyer.. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v Cromwell two and two was proven to be four..

The last applicant was an accountant..

When the bank manager asked him, 'How much is two and two?', the accountant got up from his chair, went over and closed the door..

He came back, sat down, leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, 'How much do you want it to be?'

That's it.. He got the job..

Most Important Discoveries!!

Man discovered weapons, invented hunting..
Woman discovered hunting, invented furs..

Man discovered colors, invented painting..
Woman discovered painting, invented make-up..

Man discovered speech, invented conversation..
Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip..

Man discovered agriculture, invented food..
Woman discovered food, invented diet..

Man discovered friendship, invented love..
Woman discovered love, invented marriage..

Man discovered trade, invented money..
Woman discovered money, man has never recovered..!!

Uncle Leo

Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box..

The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?"

Tom says: "I would switch one train to another track.."

"What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector..

"Then I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there", answers Tom..

"What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the inspector..

"Then," Tom continued, "I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box.."

"What if the phone was busy?"

"In that case," Tom argued, "I'd run to the street level and use the public phone near the station"..

"What if that had been vandalized?"

"Oh well," said Tom, "in that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo"..

This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, "Why would you do that?"

"Because he's never seen a train crash.."

Expensive Doctor

A young woman wasn't feeling well, and asked one her co-workers to recommend a physician..

"I know a great one in the city, but he is very expensive.. Five hundred dollars for the first visit, and one hundred dollars for each one after that.."

The woman went to the doctor's office and trying to save a little money, cheerily announced..

"I'm back!"

Not fooled for a second, the doctor quickly examined her and said..

"Very good, just continue the treatment I prescribed on your last visit.."

I was doing exactly the speed limit!

One Sunday, sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH..
 

He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over..

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five little old ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts.. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! I always go exactly the speed limit.. What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly!! Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old Indian woman says a bit proudly..

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit..

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error..

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have something to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks with concern..

"Oh, Now they'll be all right, officer.. We just got off Route 119.."

Prayers of ABCs!

While walking through the woods one day, I was surprised to hear a child's voice..

I followed the sound, trying in vain to understand the child's words..

When I spotted a boy perched on a rock, I realized why his words had made no sense!!

He was repeating the alphabet..

"Why are you saying your ABC's so many times?" I asked him..
 
The child replied, "I'm saying my prayers.."

I couldn't help but laugh. "Prayers? All I hear is the alphabet.."

Patiently the child explained..
"Well, I don't know all the words, so I give God the letters.. He knows what I'm trying to say.."

Confusion

Little Mary was at her first wedding and gaped at the entire ceremony..

When it was over, she asked her mother, "Why did the lady change her mind?"

Her mother asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, she went down the aisle with one man and came back with another one.."

Out of town..

This guy was watching TV as his wife was out cutting the grass during the hot summer.. He finally worked up the energy to go out and ask his wife what was for supper.. 

Well, his missus was quite irritated about him sitting in the air conditioned house all day while she did all the work, so she scolded him.. "I can't believe you're asking me about supper right now!! Imagine I'm out of town, go inside and figure dinner out yourself.."

So he went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak, with potatoes, garlic bread and tall glass of iced tea..

The wife finally walked in about the time he was finishing up and asked him, "You fixed something to eat? So where is mine?"

"Huh? I thought you were out of town.."

Drawing the Impossible

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew..

She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork..

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was..

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God.."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like.."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the little girl replied, "They will in a minute.."

Ploughing the Land

A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends..

They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him..
The farmer stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50..

The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free..

The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today.."

The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, "When do you have time to plough your land? At night??"

"No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night, is when I put the water in the hole..!!"

Three Envelopes

A new manager spends a week at his new office with the manager he is replacing...

On the last day the departing manager tells him, "I have left three numbered envelopes in the desk drawer.. Open an envelope if you encounter a crisis you can't solve..." 

Three months down the track there is a major drama, everything goes wrong - the usual stuff - and the manager feels very threatened by it all...

He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and opens the first envelope...

The message inside says "Blame your predecessor!!" He does this and gets off the hook...

About half a year later, the company is experiencing a dip in sales, combined with serious product problems... The manager quickly opens the second envelope... The message read, "Reorganize!!" This he does and the company quickly rebounds...

Three months later, at his next crisis, he opens the third envelope.. The message inside says

"Prepare three envelopes..."

Annoying Parrot

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly.."

Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work..

On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly.."

She was incredibly ticked now.. The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly.."

The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird.. The store manager replied, "That's not good.." and promised he wouldn't say it again.

When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady.."

She paused and said, "Yes??"

The bird said, "You know.."

Life's Crazy Rules II

• The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay...
• Miller's Law of Insurance: Insurance covers everything except what happens...
• First Law of Living: As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing, you'll want to be doing something else...
• Weiner's Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross-references...
• Isaac's Strange Rule of Staleness: Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale...

Life's Crazy Rules

• Lerman's Law of Technology: Any technical problem can be overcome given enough time and money. Corollary: You are never given enough time or money..
• Murphy's First Law for Wives: If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five..
• Law of the Search: The first place to look for anything is the last place you would expect to find it. Corollary: It will not be in the last place you expect to find it..
• Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed..