Road Crew

The road by my house was in bad condition..

Every day I dodged potholes on the way to work, so I was relieved to see a construction crew working on the road one morning..

Later, on my way home, I noticed the men were gone and no improvement in the road..

But where the crew had been working stood a new, bright-yellow sign with the words

"Rough Road.."

Afraid Little Boy

A little boy was afraid of dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom. The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go out there. It's dark.."

The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. you don't have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there He'll look after you and protect you.."

The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure he's out there?"

"Yes, I'm sure.. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him.." she said.

The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, "Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom??"

Working with...

Four best friends met at the hospital since their wives were giving births to their babies. The nurse comes up to the first man and says, "Congratulations, you got twins." The man said "How strange, I'm the manager of Minnesota Twins."

After awhile the nurse comes up to the second man and says, "Congratulations, you got triplets." Man was like "Hmmm,strange I worked as a director for the "3 musketeers." Finally, the nurse comes up to the third man and says "Congratulations, you got twins x2." Man is happy and says, "Ironic, I work for the hotel "4 Seasons."

All three of them are happy until they see their last buddy jumping all over the place, cursing God and banging his head on the wall. They asked him what's wrong and he answered, "What's wrong? I work for 7up"!

How to call the police..

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window..

George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things..

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said "no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available..

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all.." Then he hung up..

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence and caught the burglars red-handed..

One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!!"

Conducter

A conductor was having a lot of trouble with a drummer..

He constantly gave this guy personal attention and much advice, but his performance simply didn't improve..

Finally, before the whole orchestra, he took a critical jab at the drummer..

"When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, give him two sticks, and make him a drummer -- which must be why you play the drums."

A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section,

"And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."

Whales

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales..

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. 

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. 

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. 

The little girl: said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". 

The teacher: asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?" 

The little girl: replied, "Then you ask him"..

The Saddest Story

Bill, Jim and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75 story sky scraper. After a long day of meetings they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room..

Bill said to Jim and Scott, "Let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, and Jim can sing songs for 25 flights, and Scott can tell sad stories the rest of the way.."

At the 26th floor Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories..

"I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I just realized that I left the room key in the car!!"

"^*_+#!%%^&*!!"