Contact Lens: Small Piece of Plastic

The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway.. After a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was nowhere to be found..

Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes, returned with the lens in her hand..

"How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked..

"We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied..

"You were looking for a small piece of plastic.. I was looking for $150.."

Penthouse in Heaven

The Pope dies and goes to heaven.. When he gets there, Saint Peter shows him to his new quarters which turn out to be a tiny one bedroom apartment..

The Pope is horrified and wants to know why he doesn't have the penthouse apartment, which is huge..

Saint Peter informs him that the resident of the penthouse is a lawyer..

"A lawyer?" says the Pope.. "But I'm the Pope, surely I'm more important.."

"With respect Sir," says Saint Peter, "We have lots of Pope's up here, but we only have ONE lawyer!!"

The Widow at the Farmhouse

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.. They loaded up Jack's station-wagon and headed north.. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.. They pulled into a nearby farmhouse and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night..

"I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.."

"Not to worry," Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn.."

Nine months later, Jack got a letter from the widow's attorney.. He called up his friend Bob and said, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?"

"Yes, I do.."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and visit with her?"

"Yes, I have to admit that I did.."

"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turns red and he said, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did.."

"Well, thanks!! She just died and left me everything!!"

"@#$%^"

Clean The Dishes!

Just after the maid had been fired, she took five bucks from her purse and threw it to Fido, the family dog..

When asked why by her former employer, she answered..

"I never forget a friend.. This was for helping me clean the dishes all the time!!"

Bachelor Cooking..

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking.. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking..

"I got a cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do anything with it.."

"Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second..

"You said it.. Every one of the recipes began the same way: Take a clean dish and..."

Cost of Makeover..

A woman named Shirley was from Beverly Hills.. One day, she had a heart attack and was taken to Cedars Sinai hospital.. While on the operating table, she had a near-death experience.. She saw God and asked, "Is this it?"

God said, "No, you have another 30 to 40 years to live.."

Upon her recovery, she decided to stay in the hospital and have collagen shots, cheek implants, a face lift, liposuction and breast augmentation.. She even had someone dye her hair.. She figured since she had another 30 to 40 years, she might as well make the most of it..

She walked out of Cedars Sinai lobby after the last operation and was killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital.. She arrived in front of God and said, "I thought you said I had another 30 to 40 years?"

God replied, "Shirley! I didn't recognize you!!"

What's Two and Two

A bank manager was interviewing four very different applicants from his short list for the position of clerical.. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job..

He asked each applicant the question, 'What is two and two?' The first interviewee was a journalist.. His answer was 'Twenty-two..'

The second applicant was an engineer.. He pulled out a slide rule and showed the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001..

The next person was a lawyer.. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v Cromwell two and two was proven to be four..

The last applicant was an accountant..

When the bank manager asked him, 'How much is two and two?', the accountant got up from his chair, went over and closed the door..

He came back, sat down, leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, 'How much do you want it to be?'

That's it.. He got the job..

Most Important Discoveries!!

Man discovered weapons, invented hunting..
Woman discovered hunting, invented furs..

Man discovered colors, invented painting..
Woman discovered painting, invented make-up..

Man discovered speech, invented conversation..
Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip..

Man discovered agriculture, invented food..
Woman discovered food, invented diet..

Man discovered friendship, invented love..
Woman discovered love, invented marriage..

Man discovered trade, invented money..
Woman discovered money, man has never recovered..!!

Uncle Leo

Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box..

The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?"

Tom says: "I would switch one train to another track.."

"What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector..

"Then I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there", answers Tom..

"What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the inspector..

"Then," Tom continued, "I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box.."

"What if the phone was busy?"

"In that case," Tom argued, "I'd run to the street level and use the public phone near the station"..

"What if that had been vandalized?"

"Oh well," said Tom, "in that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo"..

This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, "Why would you do that?"

"Because he's never seen a train crash.."

Expensive Doctor

A young woman wasn't feeling well, and asked one her co-workers to recommend a physician..

"I know a great one in the city, but he is very expensive.. Five hundred dollars for the first visit, and one hundred dollars for each one after that.."

The woman went to the doctor's office and trying to save a little money, cheerily announced..

"I'm back!"

Not fooled for a second, the doctor quickly examined her and said..

"Very good, just continue the treatment I prescribed on your last visit.."

I was doing exactly the speed limit!

One Sunday, sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH..
 

He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over..

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five little old ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts.. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! I always go exactly the speed limit.. What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly!! Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old Indian woman says a bit proudly..

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit..

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error..

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have something to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks with concern..

"Oh, Now they'll be all right, officer.. We just got off Route 119.."

Prayers of ABCs!

While walking through the woods one day, I was surprised to hear a child's voice..

I followed the sound, trying in vain to understand the child's words..

When I spotted a boy perched on a rock, I realized why his words had made no sense!!

He was repeating the alphabet..

"Why are you saying your ABC's so many times?" I asked him..
 
The child replied, "I'm saying my prayers.."

I couldn't help but laugh. "Prayers? All I hear is the alphabet.."

Patiently the child explained..
"Well, I don't know all the words, so I give God the letters.. He knows what I'm trying to say.."

Confusion

Little Mary was at her first wedding and gaped at the entire ceremony..

When it was over, she asked her mother, "Why did the lady change her mind?"

Her mother asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, she went down the aisle with one man and came back with another one.."