Total Control

A Guy Named Bob Is Traveling By Amtrak With Two Strangers Sitting Close To Him..

He Is Trying To Sleep.. But Those Guys Were Speaking Loudly For A Very Long Time Heavily Criticizing George Bush.. The War In Iraq.. Corruption.. Unemployment.. Etc..

So Bob.. In An Attempt To Force The Guys To Stop Talking And Let Him Sleep.. Tells Them As A Joke.. That There Is A New Total Control System Developed By The Fbi That Spies Upon All Citizens.. And There Are Lots Of Listening Devices Everywhere.. So That Anyone Criticizing The Government Would Be Severely Punished..

This Didn’t Have Any Effect On Those Guys.. Moreover They Just Laughed At Bob.. And Carried On And On.. Saying Even More Rude Jokes About George Bush And The Government..

Finally.. Close To 3:00 Am.. Bob Goes To The Restroom.. And Runs Into The Train Conductor..

Bob Asks The Conductor To Bring Him Some Water And Sleeping Pills At Exactly 3:00 Am

He Goes Back To His Place And Says Loudly Into The Base Of His Seat.. So That Talkative Guys Could Hear Him:

"If The FBI Director Can Hear Me: Could You Please Bring Me A Glass Of Water And Some Sleeping Pills At 3:00 AM Because There Are Some Idiots Here Who Are Speaking Too Loudly About Some Political Issues And Won’t Let Me Sleep.."

The Guys Continue Talking..

Exactly At 3:00 Am.. The Door Opens And The Conductor Comes Out.. And Gives Bob The Water And Some Sleeping Pills.. The Guys Are Shocked And Finally Stop Talking.. Bob Is Happy And Manages To Fall Asleep..

When He Wakes In The Morning.. The Talkative Guys Are Nowhere To Be Found..

Out Of Curiosity He Asks The Conductor About Them.. (Also Remembering That There Shouldn’t Have Been Any Stops At Night)..

The Conductor Replies That Some People In Black Suits Stopped The Train And Arrested Those Guys..

Bob Is Completely Shocked And Surprised And Asks About Why He Was Not Arrested..

The Conductor Answers That He Doesn’t Have A Clue But One Of The Guys In Black Suits Said That The Director Of The Fbi Liked Bob’s Joke About The Water And Pills..

Remote Control

The clerk asked me.. "Cash.. Check or Charge?" after ringing up my purchase..

As I fumbled through my wallet.. She noticed a remote control for a television set in my purse..

"Do you always carry your TV remote!!" she asked..

"No.." I replied.. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me.. So I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him!!"

Crowded Store

It was the day of the big sale.. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30.. the store's opening time.. in front of the store..

A small man pushed his way to the front of the line.. only to be pushed back.. amid loud and colorful curses..

On the man's second attempt.. he was punched square in the jaw.. and knocked around a bit.. and then thrown to the end of the line again..

As he got up the second time.. he said to the person at the end of the line..

"That does it!! If they hit me one more time.. I won't open the store!!"

New Accountant: Worrying for..

Fresh out of business school.. the young man answered a want ad for an accountant.. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself..

"I need someone with an accounting degree.." the man said.. "But mainly.. I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me.."

"Excuse me??" the accountant said..

"I worry about a lot of things.." the man said.. "But I don't want to have to worry about money.. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back.."

"I see.." the accountant said.. "And how much does the job pay??"

"I'll start you at eighty thousand.."

"Eighty thousand dollars!!" the accountant exclaimed.. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that??"

"That.." the owner said.. "is your first worry.."

The Bum

A man was walking in the city.. when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner..

The man took out his wallet.. extracted two dollars and asked.. "If I gave you this money.. will you take it and buy whiskey?"

"No.. I stopped drinking years ago.." the bum said..

"Will you use it to gamble?"

"I don't gamble.. I need everything I can get just to stay alive.."

"Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?"

"Are you NUTS!! I haven't played golf in 20 years!!"

The man said.. "Well.. I'm not going to give you two dollars.. Instead.. I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.."

The bum was astounded.. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty.. and I probably smell pretty bad.."

The man replied.. "That's OK.. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up drinking.. gambling.. and golf.."

ReLations

ఎప్పుడు ఏ ఇద్దరు కలుస్తారొ తెలియదు.. భగవంతుదు ఎవర్ని ఎవరితో కలుపుతాడో.. అంతకంటె తెలియదు.. ఇద్దరు వ్యక్తుల మద్య పరిచయం.. అభిమానం.. ఆరాదన.. ప్రేమ.. మోహం.. సాంగత్యం.. ఎందుకు ఏర్పడతాయో ఆ భగవంతుడికే తెలియాలి. కానీ ప్రతిచర్య, సంఘటన, కలయిక, ప్రేమకు భగవంతుడి ధ్రుష్టిలొ ఎదో ఒక ప్రయోజనం ఉండి తీరుతుంది.. ఒక వ్యక్తిని చూస్తె ఆ వ్యక్తి కొసం ఏదైనా చేయాలనిపిస్తుంది.. మరొకర్ని చుస్తె లొభిగా ఉండాలనిపిస్తుంది.. ఆ వ్యక్తి ఆడ, మగ ఎవరైన కవొచ్చు. ఇలాంటి అనుబంధాలన్నీ ఆ వ్యక్తి ప్రేరణకు అతీతంగానే జరుగుతాయి.. ఇద్దరు వ్యక్తుల మధ్య వారి ప్రమేయం లేకుండానే, అంతర్లీనంగా, అంతర్వాహినిగా ప్రెమ ప్రవహిస్తు ఉంటుంది.. అది ఆ ఇద్దరి అత్మలకే తెలుసు.. దాన్నెవరూ ఆపలెరు. అది సామాజికంగా, సంఘపరంగా నిషెధించబదినదే కావచ్చు.. ఈ ప్రపంచాన్ని ప్రేమ మాత్రమే ముందుకి నడిపించగలదు.. మానవ మనుగడకు అదె పునాది.. అదె అక్సిజెన్.. ప్రేమ ఎప్పుడు, ఎవరి మీద, ఎందుకు పుడుతుందొ తెలిసినవాడు భగవంతుడొక్కడే..

Crowded Store

It was the day of the big sale.. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30.. the store's opening time.. in front of the store..

A small man pushed his way to the front of the line.. only to be pushed back.. amid loud and colorful curses..

On the man's second attempt.. he was punched square in the jaw.. and knocked around a bit.. and then thrown to the end of the line again..

As he got up the second time.. he said to the person at the end of the line..

"That does it! If they hit me one more time.. I won't open the store!!"

Dining Room Skylight..

Joan.. Who Was A Rather Well-proportioned Secretary.. Spent Almost All Of Her Vacation Sunbathing On The Roof Of Her Hotel.. She Wore A Bathing Suit The First Day.. But On The Second.. She Decided That No One Could See Her Way Up There.. And She Slipped Out Of It For An Overall Tan..

She'd Hardly Begun When She Heard Someone Running Up The Stairs.. She Was Lying On Her Stomach.. So She Just Pulled A Towel Over Her Rear..

"Excuse Me.. Miss.." Said The Flustered Assistant Manager Of The Hotel.. Out Of Breath From Running Up The Stairs.. "The Hilton Doesn't Mind Your Sunbathing On The Roof.. But We Would Very Much Appreciate Your Wearing A Bathing Suit As You Did Yesterday.."

"What Difference Does It Make?" Joan Asked Rather Calmly.. "No One Can See Me Up Here.. And Besides.. I'm Covered With A Towel.."

"Not Exactly.." Said The Embarrassed Man.. "You're Lying On The Dining Room Skylight.."

Cooking Woes

Becky Prepared A Pasta Dish For A Dinner Party She Was Giving.. In Her Haste.. However.. She Forgot To Refrigerate The Spaghetti Sauce.. And It Sat On The Counter All Day.. She Was Worried About Spoilage.. But It Was Too Late To Cook Up Another Batch..

She Called The Local Poison Control Center And Voiced Her Concern.. They Advised Becky To Boil The Sauce Again..

That Night.. The Phone Rang During Dinner.. And One Of The Guests Volunteered To Answer It..

Becky's Face Dropped As The Guest Called Out..

"It's The Poison Control Center.. They Want To Know How The Spaghetti Sauce Turned Out.."

Slow Down

One Day A Policeman Stopped A Motorist Who Had Just Gone Through A Four Way Stop Sign And Was About To Give Him A Ticket When The Motorist Said.. "Officer You Can't Give Me A Ticket For That!'

"Why Not" Said The Officer..

"Because Although I Did Not Stop I Slowed Right Down And Its Almost The Same.."

"But You Did Not Stop" Replied The Officer.. "And The Sign Says Stop.."

"But The Way Was Clear And It Was Safe" Replied The Motorist..

The Officer Then Pulls Out His Batton And Starts Hitting The Motorist..

"What Are You Doing!!" Yells The Motorist In Surprise..

"Do You Want Me To Slow Down Or Stop?" Says The Officer..

Drunk Man Ordering Beer

A man walks into the front door of a bar.. He is obviously drunk.. he staggers up to the bar.. seats himself on a stool.. and with a belch.. asks the bartender for a drink..

The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink.. He could not be served additional liquor at this bar but could get a cab called for him..

The drunk is briefly surprised then softly scoffs.. grumbles.. climbs down off the bar stool.. and staggers out the front door..

A few minutes later.. the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar.. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink.. The bartender comes over.. and still politely--but more firmly refuses service to the man due to his inebriation.. Again.. the bartender offers to call a cab for him..

The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily.. curses.. and shows himself out the side door.. all the while grumbling and shaking his head..

A few minutes later.. the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar.. He plops himself up on a bar stool.. gathers his wits.. and belligerently orders a drink..

The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk.. Will be served no drinks.. and either a cab or the police will be called immediately..

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish.. Cries..

"Oh Man!!  ^&*%#.. How many bars do you work at!!"

Lee Iacocca, 1982!!

It Was The First Day Of School And A New Student.. The Son Of A Japanese Businessman.. Entered The Fourth Grade.. The Teacher Greeted The Class And Said.. "Let's Begin By Reviewing Some American History..

Who Said "Give Me Liberty.. Or Give Me Death?"

She Saw Only A Sea Of Blank Faces.. Except For That Of Toshiba.. Who Had His Hand Up.."

"Patrick Henry.. 1775.." Said The Boy..

 "Now.." Said The Teacher.. "Who Said 'government Of The People.. By The People.. For The People Shall Not Perish From The Earth?'"

Again.. No Response Except From Toshiba: "Abraham Lincoln.. 1863.."

The Teacher Snapped At The Class.. "You Should Be Ashamed.. Toshiba.. Who Is New To Our Country.. Knows More About It Than You Do.."

 As She Turned To Write Something On The Blackboard.. She Heard A Loud Whisper: "Damned Japanese.."

 "Who Said That?" She Demanded..

 Toshiba Put His Hand Up.. "Lee Iacocca.. 1982.." He Said..

Hearing Problems!!

A man told his doctor, "I don't think my wife's hearing is as good as it used to be.. What should I do?"

The doctor replied, "Try this test first.. When your wife is at the sink doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question.. If she doesn't respond, keep moving closer, asking the same question until she hears you.."

He went home and saw his wife preparing dinner..
Standing fifteen feet behind her.. he said.. "What's for dinner, honey??"

Hearing no reply.. he moved up to ten feet behind her and repeated the question..

Still no reply..
So he moved to five feet..
Still no answer..

Finally he stood directly behind her and said, "Honey, what's for dinner tonight?"

"FOR THE FOURTH TIME, I SAID CHICKEN, You'd better get your hearing checked!!"

Banking Error..!!

A true story out of San Francisco......

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch & wrote

"this iz a stikkup.. Put all your muny in this bag.."

While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window.. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo..

After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller..
She read it and surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor.. told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America..

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left..

He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America..

Revenge by Gunshot

A distraught young woman suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her.. In a fit of anger she drives to a local pawn shop and buys a gun..

She shows up at his apartment unexpectedly, slams opens the door, and sure enough he’s naked in the arms of a beautiful redhead..

This angers her..
Furious..
She can no longer control her emotions..
She opens her purse and pulls out the .38 hand gun she bought earlier..
As she takes aim..
Grief overcomes here and she points the gun at her own head..

“No, honey, don’t do it!” yells the boyfriend..

“Shut up,” she says.. “You’re next..”

After Six Years..

A motorist driving by a Texas ranch hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road..

The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened.. He then asked what the animal was worth..

"Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher..

"But in six years it would have been worth $900.. So $900 is what I'm out.."

The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer..

"Here," he said, "is the check for $900.. It is post-dated six years from now.."